Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I'm Back....Sort Of
I don't really remember the last time I posted and right now I am too lazy to look. Does it really matter? I'm back, aren't I? I picked up the proverbial pen and began writing again regardless of how half-assed it really feels.
This year has sucked. I've had several illnesses and ailments. My dog died. My sister-in-law was diagnosed with skin cancer. And my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. These are just the highlights not in any certain order. There is actually more between the lines and creases of my days.
I normally hate to complain. I usually try to focus on my gratitude and my blessings. When problems arise, I am more of the proactive, take it head on, type. But as I lie here in bed with my second bought of mono for the year, I feel defeated: physically, emotionally, spiritually. Sure I've been praying. I've tried to exercise when I haven't been injured or sick. I eat my veggies and drink my soy. But right now it all seems in vain.
My husband posed a question the other day watching college football. One of the guys made an amazing play and in the midst of his celebration, he pointed to the sky and clasped his hands as if in prayer. Jonas asked: "So, why do they thank God when they make a good play but they say nothing of Him when they fail or lose?" I couldn't answer him without sounding cynical or heretical. Most people ask "Where is God" during the bad times...me included. I've been taught that God doesn't cause bad things to happen: He allows free will and the free course of consequences in the world. IF something bad does happen, God is there with you every step. I'm just feeling a little lonely right now.
Then today I visited with Mom on my Windows Messenger video chat. There she was with her shiny bald head, looking strangely beautiful and serene. She has amazed me beyond comprehension with her unfailing devotion to her Faith through this journey called "Cancer." Sure, she has cried and she has asked "why?" Who wouldn't? But in contrast to those failing football players (and a good portion of the human population),she doesn't question God; she clings to him as a small child to its mother. She doesn't blame God; she welcomes the wisdom to come from her experience. She doesn't wallow in her loneliness; she cuddles in His constant embrace in her life. Mom doesn't look for the reason but knows that reason will present itself in due time and to her, it will be worth it all to help just one other person.
Little does she know, but my bald headed Momma with cancer is the one giving me the strength to make it through the rest this awful year has to offer. Her steadfast faith gives me hope that maybe God does hear me during my middle of the night pleas. Because of her, I can put one foot in front of the other with my slow steady progress towards accepting what is now will eventually pass and allowing myself to let a "reason" become enough.