Living a Mindful Life Lesson 14: Acid Washed Jeans & High-tops

Being mindful of others' likes & dislikes is a challenging mindful tool to learn...especially with my children. I always want to instill my opinions and thoughts about everything. That's fine when it is about morals or drugs or religion and stuff that I feel really matters in their development. BUT should I really try to control every bit, especially the little parts that make up who they want to be at that moment?

When I was young, (well, not kid young but tween/teen young) I more often than not wore clothes that my mom didn't like. She would buy me matchy-matchy outfits and then look at me in dismay when I wanted to return them or if I would mix them up in different ways. It was my goal never to wear the same complete outfit twice and I was quite successful.

Side bar: This notion is so funny to me today because now I will wear the same outfit several times in a row--basically whatever happens to be on the floor by the toilet when I wake up. (Note to my Mother: I do; however, put on clean underwear.)

Any way, so Mom eventually started letting me pick out my own clothes...or at least some of them. I had these paint splatter capri pants and several pairs of acid washed jeans that I would either peg leg with my handy sewing machine or would simply do the fold and roll. If you grew up in the 80s, you know exactly what I'm talking about. In college, I moved onto an even more disturbing look for my Mom: short, short hair, no make up, white v-neck t-shirts, pegged jeans and pink high-tops that I had decorated with a Sharpie marker (both the jeans and shoes) and written my boyfriend's name on. I thought I was sooooooooo artsy and cool.

So the other day, my husband took my son (almost 11) to buy new every day sneakers. I finally started getting him just one pair because his feet grow so fast, it is just a waste for him to have more than one. Up until that day, I had just bought shoes for him while I was out shopping. They were typically white, regular sneakers and the brand depended on what was on sale at the time. For some reason, I actually thought that he would come back with a similar type shoe and it never occurred to me to give my husband any directions or shopping boundaries.

My son is wearing his new shoes when he comes in and I looked at them and had the fastest mindful moment I think I have ever had. There he stood in these black leather high-top sneakers...the kind all the "thugs & druggies" wore at my high school. After over 20 years, they still make these awful shoes?? My initial reaction was to tell him to get those ugly things off his feet & return them immediately. But my mindful little voice quickly chimed in, "Don't react, don't say anything negative. You told him to pick out his own shoes. And he did." He said with a grin: "Dad said you probably wouldn't like these, but I really do, Mom." My response (with a smile, I might add) was: "Honey, I told you to pick them out. If they make you happy then they are perfectly fine." Then I thought, "Thank goodness his feet grow fast. Besides that, at least he isn't wearing them with acid washed jeans."

Living a Mindful Life Lesson 12: The Lonely Hunter

Have you ever read the book by Carson McCullers called The Heart is a Lonely Hunter? Go here if you want to learn more about it: www.enote.com/heart-is. Any way, since I read it in college, the title has stuck with me more than the actual story. Since it has been at least 20 years since I read it, I can't really remember all the details. The main thing I remember is the title.

Lately I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil. Lately meaning the last year and a half, but who is keeping record? Me. For eighteen months one thing after the other has happened to me or people I love from illnesses, to death, to cancer, to finical struggles and so on. I know we all have our issues and our life struggles. Some I consider worse and some not so bad. But who am I to judge? Pain, loneliness, problems and even joys are all subjective to the receptor and "experiencer".

I had a vision of my heart last night. It was a combination of the Dead Sea and the Moon: all cracked and cratered but still illuminating from an outside source---God, the love of my husband and the childlike admiration of my children?. I imagined that it is bandaged, scared, chipped, broken and sewed up with silk threads and wire. There are a couple of colorful band-aids from my daughter on there, too. Some repair jobs are surgical miracles; the scars are near invisible, and some are hack jobs. And I thought: "My heart is a lonely hunter" searching for love, companionship, truth, and acceptance.

One thing I've learned from parenting my two children is that they will behave in the best way possible with all that they have at that moment. I think the same is true for adults. I try to keep this in mind . In living a mindful life, it is important to try and take your loved ones, even the people you encounter day to day, as they are in the moment that they present themselves. If someone you love is usually jovial and all of a sudden they "aren't acting like themselves", then something must have happened. People's personalities and true selves don't change for no reason.

With my husband and parents, this is easily reciprocated--my joint unconditional lovers. I even took a binding oath to love, cherish and honor my relationship to my husband. Too bad we don't take a similar oath with our friends. Then there would be clearer guidelines on what is expected (I am such a black and white person.) I am guilty of taking my own silent oath to treat my friends as if...well they were friends and sometimes family (the good kind of family where you are nice to each other and everything). I am also guilty of placing expectations of them on the same level that I place expectations of myself as a friend. This often gets my feelings hurt because sometimes one of or all of them treat me in a way that is contrary to my definition of how I treat a friend. My heart is a lonely hunter.

So what do I do when this happens while trying to live a mindful life? Do I hold a grudge? Sometimes. Do I cry into my pillow at night? Often. Do I obsess over why,why why? Oh, yes. None of this is productive and not very mindful. One time when a man broke my heart into almost unrecognizable pieces, I laid and bed and cried for two days and nights straight. My sister-in-law show up and said: "OK it's over. It is his loss. Time to shower and move on." So, it all comes down to the proverbial "picking battles" theory. I have to choose whether to charge my heart into battle fully well knowing that it will come back lame and perhaps needing a lot of TLC.

It all comes down to protecting yourself: being mindful of what YOU can handle and what YOU want to battle over. Sometimes it just isn't worth it. Sometimes it is. Sometimes you should do the duck thing and let it roll off your back and sometimes you should charge head on like a bull seeing red. Whatever you do, before reacting, try to take a moment to assess the damages. You have to protect your lonely heart or go into it with a well stock First Aid kit in hand.

Living a Mindful Life Lesson 11: 4:44

Since I can remember, I see or notice the number 444. Sometimes it is on a digital clock in the morning or afternoon. Sometimes it is on a license plate, phone number or house. Maybe its on a dinner bill or coat check receipt. Many times I’ve woken up several days in a row right at 4:44 a.m. I thought maybe it just had something to do with my sleep cycle, but truly, I’ve often wondered at what it all meant. I went through a negative phase where I thought it meant some sort of danger or warning---like I was going to die on April, 4, 2004. (Obviously didn’t happen). Then I thought that maybe it was something good: Maybe I would win the lottery on April,4, 2004! Nope.

So before writing this blog today, I decided to do a bit of research on the number 444. I actually GOOGLED 444 to see what came up and all this numerology stuff appeared. I never thought of looking into that direction before.

The funny part is that I got a wide range of “reasons” for frequently viewing the number 444. One came from a scary sounding website called www.ridingthebeast.com. The website gave several meanings to the number but essentially it equated the 444 with God and Jesus or the first divine woman. It also states that the word “queen” is used 444 in the Bible and the female demon Lilith is a symbol for that number. Very contradictory reasons, if you ask me. You can go there to check it out.

Another website, http://www.spiritual-path.com/numerology.htm states that the number 444 is a “sign from your spirit guides (angels) signifies their disagreement with your thoughts and feelings and can be interpreted as a Cosmic ‘No!’ to a question you have asked or ideas you might have.” So I guess when I wake up at 4:44 a.m. and think “should I get up now and work out?” The cosmic answer is “No”? I’ll definitely keep that one in mind and go back to sleep instead!

A third website I checked out states that the number 444 “is a number of healing and great blessings. (http://www.sun-angel.com/numerology/faq_misc.php). Ahhhh, I like that interpretation much better than the demon and “No!” ones. The interpreter also expresses that when you see the number 444, it is the “universe reminding you who you are.” The site continues to say that the number means creativity, awareness and wisdom. Goes to show, if you keep searching enough, you will find an answer that speaks to you.

Before doing all this research, I had I decided that I would take 444 as a sign from the universe (read “God & his angels) telling me to slow down, take a moment, see what’s going on with me physically, emotionally, spiritually. So when I see 444, I try to take a deep yoga breath and notice what is happening at that moment. This practice helps me slow down and be more mindful of that moment. I am not telling you to start obsessing over numbers to live a more mindful life. I’m suggesting that you find a way to make it a ritual to take a moment when the universe knocks on your door. Maybe it is when you hear a certain word, or see a blue jay or go through three green lights. Set your intention that when you experience whatever it is you choose, that you will stop and listen to your intuition…your gut feeling. What do you need? What do you need to do? Where do you need to go?

Living a Mindful Life Lesson 8: Rainbow Toes

A couple of days ago I was really busy with all the busy work I thought I needed to do. My daughter had just finished painting her nails---and her fingers, a little bit on the face, and a couple of drops on the counter. She asked me if she could paint my toenails. My initial thought was "I don't have time for this.....are you kidding me...I have socks on because my feet are so cold." Her pleading, glorious face was too much so persuasive so I responded, "Sure, honey! Do what you want: you are the designer of the toes!"

I thought she would pick red (my favorite color) or pink (her favorite color. Instead, she surprised me. She put together a little game where I would pick different colors out of a bowl and that would determine what color she would paint. In the end, I had thee happy rainbow toes! I've never had rainbow toes and I have to say that they make me really happy. I haven't worn socks around the house since so I can look down at them.

With the dark, winter weather, it is so nice to simply look down and see a colorful rainbow!
During this mindful moment, I took a chance on something new that I really didn't want to do. And in the end, not only was I pleasantly surprised, but I also experienced bringing unselfish joy to someone else. Next time when someone suggests a simple something you initially don't want, take a mindful moment and decide if it is really worth it not to do it. Chances are, you'll be glad you did.

Living a Mindful Life Lesson 5: Peanut Butter Addiction Revisited

We all have our addictions. Perhaps it is reality TV or trash mags. Maybe it’s chewing gum, food, 5 o’clock cocktail or even sucking on cherry flavored lozenges. ONE of my addictions, fortunately and unfortunately, is peanut butter. When asked: “If you needed to gain 10 lbs. and could only eat one food what would it be?” Peanut Butter. I love it on hot toast, all melty, with raisins on top. On saltines (with raisins on top), on apples, bananas, and, especially a spoonful encrusted with dark chocolate chips. But the absolute premiere what to ingest PB is as is scooped up high on a spoon. I even have claim on the first scoop out of a fresh jar (I call a “freshie”) because it is the softest, creamiest spoonful in the jar. I’m proving Pavolv’s theory as I type. Excuse me as I wipe the drool off my chin. So, if I don’t “watch it” I can find myself mindlessly shoveling PB like a farmer on manure.

Lately, I have been trying to really enjoy my PB experiences. Taking only a bit and savoring every cellular molecule. I find that I am eating less of it and that I am more satisfied with my feast than every before. Take a look at your addictions. Is there a way you can mindfully enjoy them so you have them more under your control and are more satisfied? Perhaps you pick one show to watch or one mag to read. Maybe you only have your cocktail on the weekend or chew gum or suck lollipops after a meal. Whatever it is, reel it in a bit and mindfully enjoy each moment of it.

Living a Mindful Life Lesson 1: Just Beathe

No, I didn't make a New Year's Resolution...don't believe in them. I had an epiphany last year and decided to try living in a constant ebb and flow of a mindful life. I tend to live in the future Land of What Ifs and I struggle by the minute to live in the moment. One great way for me to do this is to do yoga. Now, when do yoga and I to be super mindful of not making grocery lists in my head. I really try to focus in on my breath (which is what you are supposed to do, I know) and focus in on what my body needs at that moment. I have two great studios I go to in Rhode Island: Raffa Yoga: http://www.raffayoga.com/ (my favorite teacher is Pam) and Lotus Fire Yoga: http://www.lotusfireyoga.com/ (Joanie is my instructor of choice). If you can't make it to a full class or can't afford the $15 a pop, another great way to have a practice is on line at http://www.yogatoday.com/. This is a free service and I have done some great classes. Just set up your computer and your mat & you are really for that first downward dog of the day. So, I use my yoga breath when things get a bit frenzied. Closing my eyes and breathing slowly and thoughtfully not only reduces my stress but also brings me back to what is really important at that moment. So today, when you feel scattered, simply close your eyes and breath.

It's Time to Make Time

My brother, David, started a man's volunteer program at his children's elementary school in Austin. He calls it D.O.G.s (Dad's on Guard). The male volunteers, comprised of fathers and grandfathers, mostly help with morning cross walk duty and drop off procedures. At this school, you can either pull through a steady flowing car line where the children are greeted by teachers or other adult volunteers and escorted to their classroom. The other option is to pull around the front of the school, park in a parking space and walk your child into the building.

One day, my father, who has a great name by the way (Bill Hill), volunteered to watch over the front of the building. It was his duty to make sure people parked in the appropriate spots and that parents knew they had to walk their child into the building. This is an awesome job for Dad. It incorporates two of his favorite tasks: 1) he could tell people what to do and 2) he could tell people they were wrong.

As expected, many an opportunity arose for Guard D.O.G. Bill Hill to emphatically, yet kindly tell parents that, no, they shouldn't park in handicap parking and that, yes, they were expected to get out of their cars and walk their children into the building. Yes, of course, this was the school's policy and it was by all means meant only for the safety of the children, not annoy the parents. He would clearly explain that if they didn't like that option, they were more than welcome to go via the drop off option.

Parents got mad. They slammed doors, They screeched tires. They said very unpleasant things to Guard D.O.G. Bill Hill. But the most poignant reply when Dad gave them the choices of either going through the line or parking legally and walking their child to unquestionable safety was: "I don't have time!" The popular act then would be for them to verbally push their children out of the car, probably telling them to ignore the crazy man in the orange vest and pull off in a huff before their child's feet even hit the sidewalk.

What message did these parents send to their kids? You're not important enough to me. It is OK to go against the rules, oh, and by the way, it is also OK to treat people poorly in the process. Your safety is worth a risk. Make a lot of noise and throw a little fit and you, too, can probably get your way. I'm too busy to take care of you.

Unfortunately I think this mindset is one that several of us adopt at one time or another. I'm guilty of it, especially when I am tired or stressed. But lately I have been trying to live a more mindful life: one that allows me moments of pause to insure I am living a life that I want my children to emulate. My goal is not to be a "do as I say not as I do" parent but to be a kind of person I want my children to become. My children see how I treat people; they know how I treat them. The way I see it, my kids are getting older by the second. Now is the only time I have with them. It is time to make time.