Living a Mindful Life Lesson 12: The Lonely Hunter

Have you ever read the book by Carson McCullers called The Heart is a Lonely Hunter? Go here if you want to learn more about it: www.enote.com/heart-is. Any way, since I read it in college, the title has stuck with me more than the actual story. Since it has been at least 20 years since I read it, I can't really remember all the details. The main thing I remember is the title.

Lately I have been going through a lot of emotional turmoil. Lately meaning the last year and a half, but who is keeping record? Me. For eighteen months one thing after the other has happened to me or people I love from illnesses, to death, to cancer, to finical struggles and so on. I know we all have our issues and our life struggles. Some I consider worse and some not so bad. But who am I to judge? Pain, loneliness, problems and even joys are all subjective to the receptor and "experiencer".

I had a vision of my heart last night. It was a combination of the Dead Sea and the Moon: all cracked and cratered but still illuminating from an outside source---God, the love of my husband and the childlike admiration of my children?. I imagined that it is bandaged, scared, chipped, broken and sewed up with silk threads and wire. There are a couple of colorful band-aids from my daughter on there, too. Some repair jobs are surgical miracles; the scars are near invisible, and some are hack jobs. And I thought: "My heart is a lonely hunter" searching for love, companionship, truth, and acceptance.

One thing I've learned from parenting my two children is that they will behave in the best way possible with all that they have at that moment. I think the same is true for adults. I try to keep this in mind . In living a mindful life, it is important to try and take your loved ones, even the people you encounter day to day, as they are in the moment that they present themselves. If someone you love is usually jovial and all of a sudden they "aren't acting like themselves", then something must have happened. People's personalities and true selves don't change for no reason.

With my husband and parents, this is easily reciprocated--my joint unconditional lovers. I even took a binding oath to love, cherish and honor my relationship to my husband. Too bad we don't take a similar oath with our friends. Then there would be clearer guidelines on what is expected (I am such a black and white person.) I am guilty of taking my own silent oath to treat my friends as if...well they were friends and sometimes family (the good kind of family where you are nice to each other and everything). I am also guilty of placing expectations of them on the same level that I place expectations of myself as a friend. This often gets my feelings hurt because sometimes one of or all of them treat me in a way that is contrary to my definition of how I treat a friend. My heart is a lonely hunter.

So what do I do when this happens while trying to live a mindful life? Do I hold a grudge? Sometimes. Do I cry into my pillow at night? Often. Do I obsess over why,why why? Oh, yes. None of this is productive and not very mindful. One time when a man broke my heart into almost unrecognizable pieces, I laid and bed and cried for two days and nights straight. My sister-in-law show up and said: "OK it's over. It is his loss. Time to shower and move on." So, it all comes down to the proverbial "picking battles" theory. I have to choose whether to charge my heart into battle fully well knowing that it will come back lame and perhaps needing a lot of TLC.

It all comes down to protecting yourself: being mindful of what YOU can handle and what YOU want to battle over. Sometimes it just isn't worth it. Sometimes it is. Sometimes you should do the duck thing and let it roll off your back and sometimes you should charge head on like a bull seeing red. Whatever you do, before reacting, try to take a moment to assess the damages. You have to protect your lonely heart or go into it with a well stock First Aid kit in hand.

Living a Mindful Life Lesson 7: In Search for Unconditional Love

I know, I know, I should've posted a picture of my family here. This morning, my sweet Morgan, my Golden Retriever puppy, was such a lover girl I had to pick her for the photo shoot.

Love is a tricky thing. Different cultures have different words for different kinds of love. If I was an expert linguist, I would give examples here, but, alas, I'm not. Google it if you are interested. In English, we only have "love" to mean a whole hoard of things from loving french fries to loving a band and loving your grandmother.

In a mindful life, the most purest of love is unconditional love. This love endures unchanged regardless of the situation. If you are lucky in life you have at least one person, or even breathing being, who loves you no matter what. That's what is so great about dogs: you can scold them one minute for chewing up a kitchen chair and the next she is showering you with snuggles and kisses.

The challenge is not to abuse this special gift. I have very few people in my life that I can count on my fingers who I know love me unconditionally. Thank God I can count my parents and my husband among them. In my mindful living epiphany today, I realize that I need to hold these relationships above all other. Sure I have great friends, loving family members and some good acquaintances. But it is these handful of people in my life who continue to love and support me through good and bad. It is these people that I vow to hold close to my chest and protect like baby birds. This honor of unconditional love is special and worth safeguarding for life.

The Thin Line Between Reason & Excuse

I hear them all day long from my children: excuses. From the proverbial "I forgot" to the mundane "just 'cause." The trashcans remain at the bottom of the driveway; the homework is unfinished; their stinky bodies continue to stink because they still haven't taken a shower. But sometimes, upon taking a breath and really thinking about it, I realize that their explanations aren't simple excuses but, in fact, logical reasons for their behavior or the lack there of. In looking at the various situations, I've come up with my own criteria for discerning what is an actual excuse and what is a valid reason.

An excuse is defined by a plea offered in order to get out of trouble. In my experience, many times an excuse is simply a flat out lie. Sometimes it isn't a lie but more of a very watered down reason--one that with a bit of effort wouldn't even be necessary to conjure up. You not only see this in childhood, but it is rampant in the adult world. Daily people vacillate between being upfront and honest with their actions and scrambling this way and that to cover their asses. A report is late on the bosses desk. The employee blames his secretary or the copier when in reality she simply didn't start the project in a timely manner. A college student asks for an extension on his term paper because he's been working nights to pay the rent. While it is true that he is working nights, his day time is full of opportunities for study. In stead he plays video games or chats with his long distance girl friend on the computer; he may even have some beers with his friends. Hell, it's 5 o'clock somewhere. I used to have a boyfriend who had ADHD. He was always late. He always lost his keys. (I know that technically you are not supposed to use the word "always" but in this case, it is the only appropriate word.) Now, this man always used his ADHD as an excuse: "You know me, I've got ADD!" In some cases I would err on the cause for reason, but in his case, it is basically an excuse for not being responsible for his condition: he didn't wear a watch, he didn't carry a planner or PDA, he didn't write things down so he could remember and he didn't hang his keys on the key hook when he entered the house. In excuses, the weak reason given might not necessarily be the "cause" of the action. But a reason is a pretty strong excuse!
Reasons differ from excuses as they are the actual cause for an action or event. "Cause" is the operative word, here. My son is snappy with me almost every day after school. After a few days of just disciplining him to no end, he finally gave me the reason for his grouchy mood: "I"m hungry." Of course! I get grouchy, too, when I don't eat---that whole low blood sugar thing. My new puppy randomly poops in the house. It's not her fault, if I claimed that, it would be a pretty weak excuse. She is only answering nature's call. In fact, the reason she does it is because I am not paying close enough attention to her. My sister-in-law's family doesn't come to our house. From an outside observer, one might think the excuse is that they don't like coming over, but the real reason is that my nephew has asthma and is allergic to cats--we have two very fluffy cats. The way I see it, the best "reason" for an action is usually a basic human need or emotion. I read a book once about why children misbehave. The main premise is that children always do the best they can with what they've got. They aren't born to be bad. No, humans are born wanting to do good, feel good and be good. This rings true for not just children but also for adults of all ages. We all want to be happy and do the right thing, but sometimes we have good reasons why we can't or bad excuses why we don't.

So the next time you are faced with what you think is an "excuse," take a moment to ascertain if there could be a good reason hidden in there. Perhaps a friend says or does something that upsets you? Before this time he has been a great friend but you've noticed that he has been on edge lately. Instead of fighting with him and holding a grudge, even maybe ruining the friendship, ask him how he is. Truly reach out to him with unconditional caring and compassion. You may find out that his finances are stretched or that a loved one passed away. At that moment, instead of piling more doom and gloom on his otherwise weakened spirit., you are given a gift of an opportunity to strengthen your friendship by helping support your friend and aiding in the healing process.