Desperate Momma's Macaroni & Cheese

The last thing my son said to me as he left for school:  "Mom, can you please make homemade macaroni for dinner?"  Before even processing the request, I answered with a resounding "Sure, bud!" 

Problem: We just returned from vacation and it didn't register that my pantry and fridge were down to survival mode status. No OJ.  No bread.  No milk.  It was a cold, sleety, dismal day out and I just didn't have the get-up-and-go to make it to the grocery store. I hate going to the grocery store when the weather is inclimate. Misery is going to and from the car and then standing out in the mess while putting the bags in the car.  Then, just when you think it is over, you've gotta do it again when you get home!  Well, unless you can park your car in the garage, which is always an iffy situation around here.

In desperation, I scoured my food sources and came up with a rag-tag provision of ingredients. A memory flash zipped through my mind of my mom's own desperate attempt at dinner when I was a child. Her final product: Cheese (Velveeta) & Spaghetti. It soon became one of our staple stand-bys.  Back in my day, True Blue Texans always had a brick of Velveeta on hand! Or, at least, Mom did.

Speaking of Texans: after I made the sauce for my Desperate M & C, I taste-tested it and promptly grabbed my bag of tortilla chips.  Ahhh....creamy, cheesy deliciousness!  My mind drifted to a loftier idea for my luscious sauce:  just stir in a can of Rotel (another must-have in the Texas pantry) and y'all have a really amazing queso dip! 

Now here's the rub with this recipe--I love it so much that now I am going to have to go to the grocery store next time I want to make it and don't have the ingredients!

Now to laundry:  I wonder how desperate I will have to get to actually finish it today?  I'll have to go count how many pairs of clean socks there are in my kids' drawers.  Does it really matter if the match?

Desperate Momma's Macaroni & Cheese

8 oz dry pasta cooked (whatever shape you've got)

3 TBL butter

3 TBL flour

1 can Evaporated Milk

1 cup Fat Free Sour Cream

½ tsp salt

¼ tsp pepper

½ small white onion minced

1 cup 2 % Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese

4 Slices 2 % American Cheese

½ cup 2 % Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

Italian Bread Crumbs

Cook pasta.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  In a saucepan, melt butter and stir in flour until combined.  Gradually stir in Evaporated Milk and stir constantly with whisk.  Stir in sour cream and continue to stir until smooth.  Stir in salt, pepper and onion.  Gradually add cheese and stir until cheese melts.  You may think it is lumpy, like I did, but then you will realize that it is just the onions.  Mix cheese sauce with pasta.  Spoon into a 2-quart baking dish sprayed with non-stick cooking spray. Cover with breadcrumbs. Bake for 30 minutes while you lick the spoon and bowl you used.  Better yet, grab those tortilla chips!

Dear John Letter to 60 Abigail Street

Farewell Abigail,

with your sweet

and sour memories tucked

up in corners and behind eyes

shut tight.

Facades emblazoned

with words of truth

and comfort.

Wildfires rage

in angry desolation.

With pretty little flames

licking the stars.

Bright.

Goodbye, Abigail,

good girl with

arms wide shut.

Embracing all that is true

and distrusted.

I lock you. Up.

For good time's last moment.

Turn the key.

Click.

Click. Heels walk quickly.

Glad our hellos shall never

greet again.

Living a Mindful Life Lesson 17: Radical Acceptance

I grew up hearing the saying over and over again: "That which does not break you, makes you stronger." But I've grown to believe this frame of mind is very harmful and anxiety provoking to my physche: make it happen or you will be broken. Sure, you get stronger, I guess, but typically not in the moment that you are broken. It may take a few days, weeks, or, in my case, years to feel that there is a message in this madness called "life".

I learned a term the other day that has brought my search for a meaningful life to the next level: radical acceptance. In essence, this term means: "Letting go of fighting reality." (http://www.wikipedia.org/) Basically, you accept how things are even if you don't agree with them and live in harmony with your struggles. This frame of mind goes hand-n-hand with the "it is what it is" attitude.

I am eternally dealing with this mindset on a daily basis. In the uncontrollable midst of life, I constantly try to figure out, not what I CAN change, but what I WANT to change. I try to twist and fight and exhaust every effort to make things the way I want them to be. This action results in a lot of disappointment, angst, and anxiety....and, boy, does it make me tired. I have also learned that when I am in the throws of an upheaval, I really can't think about other people: it is too overwhelming for me, so I tend to focus on what I need to do to pull myself up. While trying to get pregnant with both my children (thank you, God, for them) I suffered several miscarriages. I know people meant well by telling me their or other people's horror stories that were either equal to or worse than mine. You know what, these stories made me feel worse because then I was worrying about my situation and everyone else I heard about. The best response, I think, is "I am so sorry this happened to you." A basic, caring statement is all that is needed to help someone feel supported and achieve radical acceptance.

In living a mindful life, I am trying to embrace radical acceptance and come to terms with those things I don't agree with but can't change. Maybe it is a delayed flight or a natural disaster that causes great damage to your home. Maybe it is a grumpy check out person at the grocery store or bad service at a restaurant. Maybe it is worse; maybe it isn't so bad. Whatever it is that causes you to live in struggle, not matter how small, deserves to be radically accepted. Not because you are thrilled it happened. Not because you think it happened for a reason. Not because you believe it will make you stronger. But because for the now it allows you to live in peace with chaos.

Living a Mindful Life Lesson 16: Living in the Gray

One aspect I am working on in trying to live a more mindful life is finding comfort in the gray. I prefer a black and white life: unwavering decisions, obvious paths, and absolute knowledge. Indecision makes me anxious, forks in the road nervous and the unknown scares me like nothing else.
But I am realizing that life isn't really painted with such clear cut colors: it is variegated with shades of gray and be-speckled with glorious dots of black and white. In order to feel content and rest in my peace, I have to learn to exist in a dappled life.
For me, this is a daily struggle, and, perhaps, and hourly one. I constantly assess what I can and cannot change or control. I can't control flight cancellations, weather, or someone else's feelings. I can't change time, my children's personality, or even how someone reacts to me. When something "gray" happens that makes my heart race, brow sweat or knees knock, it all comes back to taking a moment, a breath and a reality check.
Luck comes to those who not only live in the gray but also survive, dare I say, thrive in the gray. The lucky ones take change as a blessing. They rejoice when they have choices. And when a door closes, they walk up to the next one and pound on it as hard as they can. Those of us who fight the gray and try to stay in the lines are blind to the gifts that living in the gray affords us.

Living a Mindful Life Lesson15: Click it or Risk it

On March 2, 1995, my brother made a choice that changed the course of his life: he put on his seat belt. Less than a hour later, his truck flipped several times and was completely totaled along with his face and head. He was left hanging upside down amidst the rubble. I will leave out all the drama and the gory details of finding out, sleeping in the waiting room and seeing him for the first time, the only recognizable piece of his body to me was his hand laying on the hospital bed. I won't tell you how his face needed reconstruction . I won't explain the rehabilitation and the hours my family spent by his beside. The story in a nutshell it is by the grace of God and the strength of a seat belt that my brother survived. Now every March 2nd, instead of mourning his death, we celebrate his "Rebirth Day."

Last week, a local man died. He was driving home from work in the rain and was about a mile from his home. He hydroplaned, had a wreck, and died. He didn't have on his seat belt. The authorities stated that all he needed to do was click in and he would have lived.

So in living a mindful life, take a moment each time you get in the car and, no matter how far you have to drive, secure your seat belt.

If you don't, you could take the biggest risk of your life.